My brain has been in an odd place lately. Seems my prayer for God to strip away all the things that don’t matter is being answered. And the enemy doesn’t like it, I guess.
See, I haven’t worried much about my body – with my head hurting so much, I couldn’t make myself exercise because it made my head hurt more. I gained some weight, but I can squeeze into my old clothes.
Right around the time I went back to Cincinnatti to see Dr. Durrani about my renewed headaches, I began to really earnestly focus on what are the distractions in my life; the things that keep me from actually putting Jesus first in my life. Easy to say he’s first, but do my actions and possessions demonstrate his position? Not so much. I realized, though, that God isn’t necessarily asking us to actually give everything up – but rather to be willing to give it all up. I found that the willingness to give up those things meant that I often ended up letting them go.
An example from a long time ago: We considered giving up paid TV. I was attached to our DVR. Attached to the shows we watched and the sports and the ability to zone out. I had the nagging thought that maybe God would ask us to give it up someday, but I didn’t want to. I like TV. But once I realized how much of my life was wasted vegging out in front of the TV, I decided maybe it would be ok to give it up. Tom agreed soon after we talked about it – and we cancelled our service. It wasn’t hard at all – despite how attached I thought I was to it.
So anyway, other little things have been nagging me and I have slowly been letting go of all these things that are keeping me from making Jesus a priority. This coincided with my starting to feel better with the new soft collar – and suddenly I realized how tubby and out of shape I felt. For the first time in a very very long time, I felt like making myself throw up after I ate something because it made me feel so fat. That day, I freaked out and did a mad workout on the elliptical for like an hour. Thus began a renewed obsession with my body – wanting to go back to counting calories and yet knowing that it was a trap; that I’d end up never knowing how to stop counting calories… that I’d end up wanting to lose more weight that is healthy for me.
I felt more trapped than I had since the headaches first really went berserk a few years ago. I strained to remember all the things my counselor had told me – strained to get back to a happy place, but my brain wouldn’t have any of it. I fell into the pit of despair and couldn’t see a way out.
Finally, I told Tom about it. He needed to know because he would know to watch for me to go too crazy. Then I started really exercising – 4 days a week for 45 minutes on the elliptical – or better yet, my bike. The thing is – and this is so hard for me – there are days when I just can’t exercise. My head still hurts most mornings and if I get it under control, the exercise stirs it up again and it isn’t likely to go away if it comes back. And the days when I don’t exercise – especially if it’s after a day “off” – are filled with guilt and frustration and an insane feeling of heaviness. I feel that I must keep exercising and lose weight – and if I miss a day… it’s the end of the universe.
So is there a way to find peace with my body and its flaws as well as its limitations?
I honestly don’t know.
EDS has taught me (when I’m willing) to take things one day at a time and so that’s what I’m trying to do. If there’s a day I can’t exercise, I try to listen to what my body is telling me – am I hungry or eating because I’m sad? I try to remind myself that even with more than a year and a half of basically no exercise, I’ve only gained 7 or 10 pounds. A few days without exercise are not going to make me blow up like a puffer fish.
Today, I rode my bike 16 miles. Then I came home and had a hot dog and s’mores. And it’s all good.
Mommy in the Mirror 