It’s been about 2.5 weeks now. Headaches every day, most of the day.
Why are they back? I didn’t realize how much better I felt until I started feeling so bad again.
I’m angry. I frustrated. I’m terrified.
This can’t be my life. It just can’t.
No, I haven’t talked to Dr. Durrani about it yet. I keep hoping I’ll wake up feeling better again. I don’t want to talk to him about it because I don’t want something to be wrong with me anymore. I want to be normal. I just finally accepted that even though I felt mostly better, I was not ever going to feel “perfect” – and I was willing to adjust my lifestyle because of it. So I can’t run, can’t do pushups or lift weights over a few pounds… So I can’t pick up my kids or clean the whole house in one day… Fine. If I can feel good – really good because I am willing to give up roller coasters and white water rafting, so be it, I thought.
But now I feel bad again. Today was really bad. And all my wonderful friends who care about me could tell – and asked me how I was. It was all I could do not to cry. I don’t want to cry because I don’t want this to be my life again. I don’t want to be pitied – or to have a reason to be pitied. I don’t want to be “that person” – the one everyone feels sorry for and is secretly glad that it’s not them. I can’t be that person.
And yet, here I am.
It’s only been a few weeks. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better.
Mommy in the Mirror 