Winter Blahs

You know, I honestly really enjoy getting up in the morning during the spring, summer, and early fall to ride my bike. It doesn’t feel like exercise, just fun. The sun is up and it’s cool but not freezing…

I hate winter. It really really really annoys me that it’s pitch dark outside when I *should* be getting up to exercise. I’ve had a yucky cold all week and now the kids are sick and I have not exercised since last Tuesday. I feel guilty, fat and miserable. I just hate dragging myself out of a perfectly good warm bed to go into the basement and exercise. I hate it.

Now I’m in that “fighting myself” stage because I feel so guilty about not exercising (who cares if I couldn’t breathe…) and it makes me feel fat. Being perfectly honest, I was worried that I’d gained a lot of weight before, but in all honesty, I don’t think I really have. My jeans are always tight just out of the dryer. They always loosen up as I wear them. I have no idea what I weigh, but it can’t be too bad if all my clothes still fit.

I’m going to work on my story again – the metaphorical one about eating disorders. I really like the beginning, but I feel like the ending just falls kind of flat. I want to capture the reality that it really is a never-ending battle. That just when you start to forget how much you hated yourself, that voice comes back telling you that you’re worse than ever… It’s my favorite (serious) thing I’ve written and I really really want to get it right before I submit it anywhere. I think I keep wanting it to end really neat – cut and dry and all that. It can’t because it doesn’t. (whoa, someone throw me a lifevest, that was really deep)

If you missed it, my essay about breasts (satire – it means I am really exaggerating just to make a point), here’s the link:

http://thecamelsaloon.blogspot.com/2011/01/size-matters.html

It’s very funny, but definitely not something you might expect from me. 🙂 (unless you REALLY know me!)

50% End in Divorce, so Why am I Surprised?

Last week, in my poetry class, our assignment was to write about a childhood memory. (Mine was one that got accepted to be published!) Part of our homework is to read through everyone else’s poems and comment on them, and make any corrections or whatever we like. So I’ve been reading through them and it’s just awfully sad. So many of them have memories of when their parents divorced. Or how they were forgotten or abused. It astounds me how many of them had such heartbreaking memories.

It makes me so thankful that my parents loved me and my sister unconditionally – and that they always (and still do) loved each other, too. It almost makes me feel guilty because I don’t know why I was chosen to have such a loving family and so many kids don’t get that.

It also makes me cherish my own children and to work to provide them a safe, happy home with good memories.

Do me a favor, give your kids, your parents and especially your spouses a hug today.

Spaghetti Brains

I’m on top of the world today. My first assignment in my new poetry class was well-received by the class. And the professor LOVED it. I would share it with you, but I want to submit it and blogs are technically “publishing” something which means any place that won’t accept “previously” published works won’t accept it. So… It shall remain a mystery.

It’s funny, though, because I have been thinking about writing so much, I almost forget to obsess about my body. I just get these twinges of “should have” or “shouldn’t have” and that’s it. I keep waiting for my pants not to fit and they still do. I wonder if it’s just that they shrink a bit in the wash because once I’ve worn them awhile, they fit fine….

And now back to the writing (cuz that’s how my brain works, men are waffles – women spaghetti…). I wonder where I can send stuff that isn’t “fluffy” poetry. You know, where the guy is playing the drums and reading some kind of freaky weird piece of “art” in a coffee house? The poems I like best are the ones in my own voice – which is sarcastic and silly and not at all able to capture my emotions when something is painful. I feel so un-confident when I write something serious. It just doesn’t feel “strong” to me. My poem for the second assignment was more serious. I’m really curious what the professor will think of it.

I ate cookies and milk for lunch. I don’t feel guilty. The End.

Accepted!!

I just got an e-mail from one of the places I submitted a poem to and it will be published! Not until July, so I’ll let you know when it gets there. 🙂 In the meantime, rejoice with me! I’m officially (almost) a published author!! I’m no longer a failure. Ha ha.

Starting small. 🙂

The Tooth Fairy of Death

Tom’s grandma, Grandma Garnet is in her 90’s. She is a wonderful quilt-maker. She has made her family so many quilts – all by hand and all are beautiful. For Christmas, she made all her great-grandkids flannel quilts. The kids love them!

It wasn’t until just the other night when Ethan lost his second tooth, that I noticed – really noticed – the pattern on the back of both girls’ quilts. I’d love to describe it for you, but you just have to see it for yourself.

She looks innocent enough... but there's something about her I just can't put my finger on. Perhaps it's the bloody teeth that surround her.

Notice the drips of blood and the fairy's crazy eyes. She's like, (insert evil cackle) "It's mine, it's all mine!"

I don't even know what to say. Hide your children, hide your wife.

Good Lord! What did she do to the child to make them give up that many molars?

Frightening, isn’t? I don’t mind that Garnet used it – I’m guessing she didn’t realize how, um, strange the pattern really is. I just want to know who on earth designed it? Seriously! I bet they had a really bad experience with the Tooth Fairy. Maybe she came in the middle of the night and punched the kid in the mouth. And carried all the bloody molars away on strings. Maybe she only left a penny under the kid’s pillow. This charming pattern is payback.

I suppose it’s a good thing that Ethan and the girls figured out that Mommy and Daddy are the Tooth Fairy. Otherwise, I bet they would never let their teeth out of their sight. I wouldn’t either, if the Tooth Fairy looked like that.

Dejected

Rejected. Dejected. Get it? It rhymes! 😛

So here’s the thing. I need God to shine a very large beacon in the direction I should be going right now. Everything I’m “putting my hands to” seems to be failing. I know that He was the one who nudged me to go back to school for writing, but to what end? I sure wish He’d give me a sign that I’m still on the right path. I’m not sure how I can glorify God with satire. But I do believe that’s the “knack” He’s given me.

And I’m in charge of the Mom’s group at our church. We have 1,500 people in our church and less than 15 moms who come, and GET THIS – less than half of them actually attend our church!! This used to be a MOPs group, but the church felt that it might be better to include all moms. I agree. Why aren’t more people coming? Am I supposed to keep doing this? I have a great team of gals who help me out – amazing ladies! I haven’t felt overwhelmed by this “job” at all, except that I just can’t understand why more moms aren’t coming. Is it a sign from God?

I’m wholly enjoying homeschooling. It’s the only thing I know I want to keep doing. But I don’t know if God wants me to. The thing about it is that it’s safe – I won’t get rejected. BUT if God wants me to write, will I have time to do both?

I feel like I WAS doing what I believed God was telling me to do, but it’s all failing. I know I’ve not been trying things for long, but gosh, I hoped I’d get SOME kind of positive vibe to let me know I was heading in the right direction. But so far all I’ve got is, “Hey, you’re a good writer, but we don’t have room for that now” and a wonderful, but tiny, group of ladies. I don’t like to put myself out there. To take risks. It goes against my nature.

And yet, I just sent out three other poems to yet another journal. Sigh.

Rejected.

I can try to come  up with all kinds of excuses for what happened. Just yesterday I saw a new online journal looking for submissions so I sent some and they sent an e-mail back this morning saying that they won’t use any of my poems. “That doesn’t mean that they aren’t wondeful” it said. (Does that mean they ARE? No…) They told me to read their magazine to get a good idea of what they were looking for. Well I did. And I didn’t like any of the things they published. I’m not a big fan of abstract poetry and that’s all I saw. So it’s probably true, my stuff just didn’t fit.

I still feel like a loser. Like giving up. Like I’m wasting money and time on school and even wasting time on writing in general. I feel like I shouldn’t send anything else because rejection sucks.

And don’t tell me about JK Rowling and her million rejections. I know about that. It’s a good thing I’m not her, I would have given up after the 50th one.

To be honest, I can’t stop crying. I feel so stupid. I wish I had more confidence in myself. It makes me feel like not finishing any of the stuff I’ve been working on.

It makes me wonder why God told me to do this and where HE think I should be sending stuff and what kind?

It makes me want to delete all the stuff that I sent because I only liked one of the poems anyway.

I won’t, though. I will keep trying and not give up.

Even though I don’t feel like it.

Spread the Wealth – Literally

You’re gonna hate me for this.  But just hear me out, okay?

You know that story of the homeless man, Ted Williams, with the “golden voice”?  A guy videotaped him and posted the video on YouTube.  The video went viral because the man really does have a great voice.  I saw on CNN that Ted Williams has received dozens of job offers and Quicken Loans even offered to pay for a home for him.  (I can’t imagine why QUICKEN LOANS would do that, it’s just so generous and selfless.  Millions of people will hear about how wonderful QUICKEN LOANS is.)  I think all of this is wonderful, I do! It’s awesome that he now has a home, income, is being reunited with his mother.   But I have to say that I’m a little annoyed.

Millions of people experience homelessness and hundreds of thousands of people are currently homeless in the U.S. alone.  Not all of them have “golden voices” and some probably have no talents at all.  Does that make them any less worthy of someone’s charity?  If all these companies are so anxious to give their money to this one man (and they may sound all charitable but don’t forget that, just like Quicken Loans, they are out to make a buck from this because he will announce that he will go to work for X company and everyone will know about it) why don’t they spread the wealth?

This may sound awful, but if Ted Williams didn’t have a YouTube video with millions of hits, he’d still be homeless because not one of these companies who are so eager to hire him now would have given him the time of day.  Even if they heard his voice, I bet they wouldn’t offer him a job because how on earth does a man with worn clothes (that probably don’t smell fresh) and wild hair get an interview in the first place?  No, they offered him a job because he’s famous – and they get “free” publicity from it.

Ted will only get to pick one job (I assume) – if all the companies he turned down would be willing to give the equivalent of a year’s salary to a homeless shelter or a halfway house, imagine how many people that would help!  This is the problem with America: We’re such a selfish nation that we are only willing to help the homeless if it benefits us.  I know that’s not true of everyone, but I’m sure it is in this case.

So yeah, I’m really glad for Ted Williams – what an amazing story!  And at the very least it will raise some awareness of the situations many homeless people are facing.  I just wish that it didn’t take a viral video to get people’s attention.

Have you ever?

Have you ever stayed in the shower longer than necessary because when you’re in there, you can’t hear what the kids are doing and ignorance is bliss?  (Neither have I, ahem, ahem.)

Have you ever fed your kids something for a meal that should probably never qualify as a meal?  I often feed MYSELF junk for meals, so I figure I can’t always tell the kids, “You have to eat healthy, Mommy is already grown so it doesn’t matter what she eats.”  Usually, though, I make them eat a fruit or vegetable with whatever nasty thing I’m letting them eat.  Kinda like ordering a salad with dressing on the side and then having the chocolate lava cake with ice cream for dessert – they balance each other out.

Have you ever posted something on Facebook that you would never tell someone in real life?  I’m always amazed at what people post.  I hope the FBI isn’t reading all those veiled threats.

Have you ever bought something for someone that was really for you?  Once my dad bought the movie Aladdin for my mom but he was the one who really wanted it.  Since I’m not always the best gift-giver, I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it.  For the first time, though, I am as excited about a gift Ethan got for Christmas as he is, enough to steal it maybe even.  Grandma (Tom’s mom) bought him a telescope!  He can’t wait to see the planets and the moon and neither can I.  I have to admit, even if he hadn’t been excited about stars, I would have been stoked that he got one.  Hee hee.

Have you ever gotten into a “unh-uh”/”uh-huh” argument with your kids?  Or your spouse?  Yes, you have.  Uh-huh.  Uh-huh!

Have you ever watched a soap opera and thought that maybe, just maybe, life is like that for someone?  Actually, for real, neither have I.  I mean really, treating a fever by taking off someone’s clothes?  Yeah, right.  And I’m going to win an award for having the cleanest house in the neighborhood.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it a million times again – there are dozens of things that we try to hide from everyone, things that we think are unique to us.  If we keep hiding them, no one will know that it’s ok to NOT be perfect.  We moms like to pretend that we never do anything to our kids that might make others cringe (giving kids binkies that were on the floor?  letting kids share their cups, silverware, er – toothbrushes?).  Why do we hide those things?  Because they mean we aren’t perfect – on purpose – that we know what we are doing and do it anyway.  Guess what?  That’s ok! Really, it is!  If it wasn’t, well, then none of us are, ok.  And that’s ok, too.  Right?  Ok.

Am I Good Enough?

I wonder if everyone feels that way sometimes? Or are there people out there who want to do something and just assume they can succeed? I’ve sent out a few more items (poems, satire) to various places. They all have a long waiting period. When I sent them out, I though, “These are pretty good, I’m sure they will like them!  Who wouldn’t??”

Then time passes and I think, “Maybe I’m not as good as I think I am.  Maybe I should just give up – it’s much safer that way.”

Ah, the old me would just give up.  The old me would just have unfulfilled dreams and desires and would always wonder.  The new me says, “If these people won’t publish my stuff, I’ll find someone who will.”

And that’s all I have to say about that.