“Bo-ten” (A long overdue update)

When Kaylee was a baby, she had a “WubbaNub” pacifier – a Soothie brand pacifier with a stuffed duck attached. She loved her pacifier and relied on it for comfort and to go to sleep. But, it was getting ridiculous – she couldn’t go to sleep without it, she would cry in the middle of the night when she couldn’t find it. She wouldn’t talk with it in her mouth (duh) so it had to go. I had heard of people cutting the tip off their kids’ pacifier so that they would not want to suck on it anymore. (Note: this only works for Soothie brand pacifiers because they are one piece and cutting off the tip won’t cause it to become a choking hazard.)

So one night, I cut off the tip when she wasn’t looking. When she popped that thing in her mouth, she couldn’t get a good suck on it because of the missing tip. She immediately burst into tears and cried about how it was “bo-ten” (broken). She handed it back to me and said, “Mama fix it.” Of course, it was too late. So I just handed it back and she sobbed some more. “Bo-ten. Bo-ten, Mama.” I admit, I teared up. No one ever wants to see their little ones crying.

She got over it pretty quickly – it wasn’t very easy, but grieving never is.

I went back to Cincinnati to see Dr. Durrani yesterday. My head has been feeling bad in waves – mostly when I look down and when I wake up. If you look at my x-rays, this one from after my c1/c2 fusion:

 

The two screws go through the c1/c2 and the one below that is the c3.

Here’s an x-ray from March:

 

If you look at the c3, right under the back of the c2 (below the back of the bottom screw), you can see that the c2 is moved forward some, and the c3 back some. It’s like whiplash – they are what is called sublaxed (it’s a level before dislocation). Dr. Durrani believes this is the source of my most recent headaches. Usually vertebra sublax because of a fairly severe injury, only the only thing I ever did was jump around and play with my kids. I actually think I remember when it happened because one day I was feeling particularly great and jumped and danced around with the kids for almost an hour. Afterwards, I had a terrible headache – the first really bad one I’d had since before the surgery.

Dr. Durrani prescribed a soft collar to sleep in and wear at home – I tend to wake up on my back and my head is always pushed forward when I’m on my back. I go to sleep on  my side, but never stay… Anyway, he seemed fairly confident that the issue can correct itself given enough support and rest. While I’m thrilled that he didn’t immediately try to cart me away to surgery, I can’t help but feel like saying “bo-ten” – about myself.

I want to hand my spine to God and ask him to put it back together.

Bo-ten.

I am broken. And you can’t glue a spine back together anymore than you can glue a pacifier back together.

So I take comfort in knowing that God is mostly likely tearing up like I did when Kaylee cried about her Wubbanub. I held her in my arms, her fat tears just pouring down her cheeks. She couldn’t see past the moment; past her pain. I was powerless to show her the good that could come from her temporary hurt. I couldn’t explain why it was better for her without the pacifer. God knows me – he knows what’s best for me and sometimes what’s best for me hurts.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:17