A Tale of Two Sissies

It was the best of twines, it was the worst of twines.

I make myself giggle sometimes. Lately, though, it seems I’ve lost my sense of humor. I’ve been too depressed by all the weighty things of life. A loved one with cancer, more major issues with my neck, and headaches galore. Lots of wonderful things have happened – my origami business is doing great! I’ve sold over 200 flowers and have over 30 kids signed up for origami classes. Tom has been promoted to a new position that he’s really excited about. I’ve got a new dishwasher and mower, courtesy of our tax returns.

But I’m in a funk when it comes to writing. All the negative things pull me down so far that the good things just don’t have enough power to pull me up. It’s discouraging to sit in front of an empty screen and to want to write. Mostly what comes out is a bunch of blubbering whines. Which is why it’s been two weeks since my last post.

I don’t want to write about the things that bring me down. Nothing ever pours out right when I do. I hate being serious when I write. But I can’t be funny when I’m depressed.

And therein lies the problem.

 

Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a – well, maybe I do. A little.

There are days when I just want to give up. I mean completely and utterly give up. I don’t even want to stay in bed or anything like that – I kind of just wish I could cease to exist.

I’m mad that I’ve told people about my headaches and Ehlers-Danlos. It makes it harder to hide it when I’m hurting – people suspect that I am when every little noise makes me cringe or when I can’t turn my head in either direction or up and down because it’s “locked up” again. I wish they just thought I was weird or something.

I hate being asked how I am. I never tell the truth. Never. If I did, I’d burst into tears because that’s what happens when I think about how I really feel. Mostly I just say, “Ok” or “I’m fine.” What I really mean is, “I kind of hate my body because of this stupid disease and I’m tired of hurting all day every day and I’m tired of waking up with a headache and I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of restraining from all the things I’m not supposed to do.”

The only reason I get out of bed most days is because of my family. I have a husband who loves me and doesn’t want me to give up and kids who need me. As much as I give up on myself, I can’t give up on them.

I’m sure you all think it’s a bit ridiculous for someone who says they are fatigued all the time – someone who feels like they’ve been carrying a 300 pound man on her back for months after putting away a load of laundry or making dinner – I’m sure you think I’m dumb for wanting to homeschool my kids. That takes a ton of energy. It gets overwhelming and I lose my patience with the kids when I’m so sensitive to noises.

But I’ll be – well, you know – if I am going to let EDS keep me from wholeheartedly giving myself to my kids as much as I possibly can. And – as a side note, Tom is helping quite a lot with their education. I’ll tell him something we need to work on and he does it. I’m not doing it alone.

I may not have enough energy for myself most days – I used to relax by riding my bike a million miles. Now, I’d rather just go to bed or at least sit in a quiet room and listen to my ears ringing. If it were just me, I’d probably be living alone with 50 cats or something. Depressed and covered in fur.

But God gave me a family – an awesome family – and I’ll get up for them. Frankly for them I’ll give a… well, you know.