This is Your Life

Last week, I used our elliptical 3 times. I went slow and used a low difficulty. Boy, it felt good to get my heart pumping again!

My goal is to use it three times a week and when it’s warm, to ride my bike again. It’s pretty crazy that a few years ago, I was doing intense workouts an hour or more 4-5 times a week with some really hard yoga and Pilates on my off days. In those days, I was driven by the insatiable desire to be skinny. Really super skinny.

Now, I just want to feel healthy again. Sure, part of me wishes that I could look like I could kick your butt. Part of me wishes I could run a hundred miles a week. That part of me thinks I’m settling by admitting that I have limitations.

See, there are some limitations you can push through – you can find work-arounds or beat the odds. Some people are told they will never walk again and that’s all the motivation they need to get up and prove everyone that they are crazy strong in their hearts – that their will is stronger than what the doctors believe their bodies are. Some people find a way to be more than anyone could have imagined.

But sometimes, limitations can’t be ignored. There’s a good kind of pain – sore muscles after a workout or feeling a good stretch – that’s the kind of pain they mean when they say “no pain, no gain.” Then there’s the kind of pain that is your body telling you that you had better stop or something horrible will happen. For me, it’s when I’m on the edge of dislocating something completely or when my joints sublax (slide out of joint and then back in) – and that is a kind of pain you simply can’t fight through.

I can’t do a push up right now – my left elbow screams that it will be dislocated if I put that kind of pressure on it. If I ignore that pain, I’d end up needing a doctor to put my elbow back in place or probably surgery for destroying the tendon that’s trying so desperately to hold me in one piece.

There are several yoga moves that I can’t do – shouldn’t do. My wrists end up being so sore that holding a half gallon of milk becomes so painful. Or my hips start popping out of place more than they already do. Or that place in my lower back feels like it’s on fire.

Ever since I realized that I had Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, I have wanted to pretend it wasn’t true. I hoped that once my headaches were fixed (I’m at about 85% now and holding!) and that if I could somehow have my neck pain reduced, I could start being “normal” again. Doing all the things normal people can do.

But I can’t, my body reminds me every time I try – and then I have to go through the grieving process of trying to accept that I’m never going to be that person I dream of being.

Right now, I’m in a pretty good place mentally. I’m gingerly testing out my body to see what I can and can’t do – and then doing what I can do instead of bemoaning all that I can’t. I can do the elliptical. I can do some yoga and some Pilates. I can walk, maybe not as fast or as far as I want, but I can walk.

You have to work with what you’ve got but for a long time, I let what I didn’t have dictate what I did – or rather didn’t – do.  And I realized that what keeps most people from fulfilling their dreams – at least in a physical sense – is that they are dreaming of something that may not be possible for their body. It’s great to dream big, but if you haven’t exercised in years, you shouldn’t dream that in a month, you’ll be running a marathon. Heck – maybe you shouldn’t even be dreaming about running! Some people think that’s the only “real” form of exercise – and it’s a great one. But it’s hard on your body, especially if you have loose joints in the first place. And some people do it because they think they should, but they hate it and the give up because they hate it and they don’t even try anything else.

My point is – even when I started feeling better, I didn’t start moving again because I was too depressed about the fact that I’ll never be as tough looking as the girl who does the kick boxing on P90X. Or that I would never impress anyone with how far I’d run, or even biked, on a given day. Sometimes, I still feel that way. And I get depressed when something new hurts, or when my neck still hurts (though it seems to be improving little by little), or when I remember how much I used to do. And I feel hurt by the message that I can do anything I put my mind to – well, yeah, I sort of can. But then again, I really can’t. Unless I like being out of joint. Or tearing my weak little tendons.

So I have been getting up – a whole week and half now – and moving. Slowly. No impact. Knowing that some days will be bad days and I won’t be able to do much if any exercise, and believing that it’s actually ok if I don’t. You know what? I don’t have to run 10 miles or lift a hundred pounds to be successful – not in this life anyway.

 

Oil and Water, Opposites Attract…

Kaylee and Sienna were born on the same day. And that’s about the only thing they have in common. I had to laugh when people asked how I could tell them apart as babies – it was not hard! Of course, they were mine, but even in my belly they were different. Kaylee was wiggly and demanding of her space. Sienna was bony and constantly stretching to accommodate her. When they came out, Kaylee was full of drama from the second she breathed air – Sienna was far more serene and even keel. Sienna slept long stretches at night, Kaylee was up every hour. Kaylee was a chubby baby, Sienna more thin and fine-boned. Kaylee had a head full of hair and Sienna’s was a fuzzy peach.

Now, Kaylee is long and lean and Sienna is more compact and very strong! Kaylee has long blond hair and Sienna likes her brown hair short. Kaylee is free-spirited and hates to color in the lines. Sienna colors better than I do and her every move is calculated and careful. Kaylee is left-handed and Sienna uses her right hand. Kaylee makes friends like Donald Trump makes money and Sienna, well – she is a sweet, friendly girl, but so shy and reserved and distrusting; she doesn’t believe she has many friends.

At Classical Conversations, our homeschool group, Kaylee likes to sit and play with the “big boys” – they are 10-11 year old boys who don’t seem to mind my happy, gregarious child tagging along with them and chatting with them. But Sienna has one special friend – and she doesn’t want to share. She tells me that no one else wants to be her friend. I have a hard time believing that, but oh, my hear hurts when, with tears in her eyes, she asks Kaylee, “How do you make friends so easily?” And then Kaylee says, “Mama, why does Sienna’s friend like her more than my friends like me?” Because Sienna takes the time to really be friends and Kaylee just runs around laughing and playing with everyone.

Kaylee looks at Sienna like Sienna is asking how to boil water. “I just find people and talk to them,” she answers. Kaylee’s mind doesn’t comprehend that someone might find her annoying or a pest. She just assumes that her blue eyes and Hollywood smile will melt everyone’s heart and that no one would ever dream of rejecting her as a companion. Poor Sienna – she can’t imagine anyone liking her just because she’s adorable. Her blue eyes hold a certain amount of distrust when she meets someone new; she holds back her gorgeous smile until she’s certain it’s deserved.

It’s so hard to tell them that they are both wonderful just as they are – that Kaylee can be happy because she’s never lonely, but that Sienna can be happy because her friends, while fewer in number, are more devoted to her – they are true friends that will last! I can’t expect them to stop comparing themselves with each other – but I wish they would realize that each of them is special just because they exist – not because of what they have or don’t have. Sienna doesn’t need blond hair or an outgoing personality to be special – Kaylee doesn’t need to write neatly or draw pretty pictures to be unique.

Of course, you can see what’s going on here – I want my daughters to grasp something I’ve never quite managed to keep hold of. I want them to love themselves just because God made them and for no other reason. I want them to look in a mirror and love everything they see instead of wanting to change this or that or the other thing to match what they think it should be. At five years old, my babies are already struggling with something that I’ve struggled with my whole life. Every day, I pray, “God, how can I show them how wonderful and precious they are? How can I help them to accept who they are as perfect just because that’s how you made them?”

And I cry. Because I’m so incapable of doing this job – mothering these treasures and showing them their value; letting each of their own qualities shine without making them think that one is more precious than the other. It seems that when I point out Sienna’s talented drawings, Kaylee thinks hers are terrible. And when I tell Kaylee she’s so good at making jokes, Sienna thinks she’s dumb because she doesn’t make people laugh as much.

Theirs is a universal struggle – it may be more magnified because they are twins and yet so different – but every girl (and every boy, really) wants to be special and loved. And most of us feel like we have to be different to be good enough. If only my girls could see themselves through my eyes. If only WE could all see ourselves through God’s eyes. All those things the girls want to change so they can be more like each other – those things are what make Kaylee Kaylee and Sienna Sienna. Those are the things God put in us to make us US.