The jury is still out

Hey, friends, sorry to have kept  you waiting so long for an update! Here’s a quick rundown:

We got to Cincinnati safe and sound on Thursday and went to our appointment with Dr. Durrani. I was just sick all week leading up to that day. I cried like a baby when I brought the kids to my mom’s house on Wednesday night and just wanted it over with. Well, after seeing Dr. Durrani, I felt sooooooo much better. He just has confidence and an easy manner that made me feel secure. Some people seem to interpret this as cockiness, but not me; I just felt like he was certain he knows what he’s doing and that’s what you need in a doctor. The biggest thing he said was that my stay in the hospital might be just one night – I could opt for two, though. Gracious – that was a relief! I was worried I’d be there much longer from what he’d said before.

Then Tom and I had a lot of time to kill. We went shopping (which I really hate because it hurts my neck so very much) at the outlets and it made me hope that I can get my c5/c6 fixed soon because I want to enjoy shopping again! Then we checked into our hotel, which was just ok. It was clean, but cramped and just a bit run down feeling. No big deal, I wasn’t staying there – at least not for more than a night.

After checking in, we went to dinner at Panera Bread, courtesy of a friend who gave us a gift card and then watched a Rifftrax movie, “Manos, Hands of Fate.” What a great way to be distracted from my nervousness! Because of the muscle relaxers, I had no trouble going to sleep and I only woke up a few times in the night.

We left the hotel for the hospital around 6:15 – Tom grabbed a bite from the complimentary breakfast which didn’t start until 6:00 – and the strangest thing happened on the way. We got stuck behind someone who had apparently either fallen asleep or passed out at his wheel. Since we had to be at the hospital at 6:30, I just called 911 as we backed up and drove around the guy – I felt horrid just leaving but there were several other cars doing the same thing and I justified it by thinking that we couldn’t really have done anything anyway. The dispatcher said they’d send someone to check on the person and I hope that he was ok!

At 6:30, we arrived – right on time. By then, sadly, I forgot all about the poor guy we’d left behind. The weight of what was about to happen hit me and I just felt like I was in a haze of disbelief. I got all dressed in the fashionable gown and grippy socks. It only took them two tries to get the IV in – a new record! Dr. Durrani came in and made a mark on my neck so that they would know for sure that was what I was there for. I thought it was interesting how so much was the same as at our home hospital in Canton, which, of course, makes sense. The biggest difference was that when they took me to the OR, I didn’t have to get out of the bed and move to the other one myself; they just gave me the medicine to put me to sleep in that bed and moved me afterward.

The other big difference was that I always remember waking up in the PACU and waiting and waiting to be moved to a room. This time, I vaguely remember waking up a few times after I was already in my room. Tom said they gave me a bunch of instructions which is so silly because I remember NOTHING! I wasn’t in any pain – I think that had something to do with the dilauded. Hee hee.

Anyway, Dr. Durrani said everything went great. The whole thing took less than an hour. He said my neck was looser than he’d expected, one of the loosest he had ever seen – but that was a good sign for my prognosis. The more loose it is when he fixes it, the more likely it was that those bones were the ones causing all my troubles.

Of course, the pain hit later as the anesthesia wore off – but it wasn’t ever horrible. I was released the day after surgery, but I asked if I could stay an extra night just because I didn’t want to sleep in the hotel and I wasn’t ready to make the drive home. They had no problem with me staying and I’m glad I did. On Sunday, Tom did drive me home – and it really wasn’t too bad. I was so glad when we got here – it just feels great to be home!

Last week, I had more bad days than good, but found that lying flat really helped a lot. My mom came every day to help with the kids and Tom has done a great job taking care of everything. We have lots of friends bringing food, cleaning, and even taking the kids overnight. I’m blessed with wonderful family and friends!!

As far as the headache – well, so far the only pain I’ve had can be traced directly to the surgical site/incision. I would say I’ve had headaches, but different kinds – the pressure is gone. I’m afraid right now to say that it worked because I am not healed and have just been laying around. So far, I’m hopeful, though. I’ll keep you posted!

A time to mourn and a time to laugh. A time to remain calm and a time to PANIC!!

Last night, I dreamed that I died during surgery and I was waiting around to see how Tom would announce it on Facebook. Yeah, I’m a little nervous.

I guess I don’t really think I’ll die – though this is the most scary surgery I’ll have had so far. But I know I’ll be in good hands – God’s and Dr. Durrani’s and I trust God completely that His will will be done. I know that whatever happens, God is sovereign and awesome and good. Still, I don’t really think I’ll die.

What I’m most frightened of is whether or not the surgery will get rid of this stupid headache. I really am terrified that my life will continue in the way it has been for the past few years. So it seems I should say, “Oh but I trust God completely for this, too.” But see, if God’s timing for my death is not the same as mine (which is when I’m 190 years old) then I go to heaven and I’m completely healed and whole for all eternity. I’m so selfish that I know how much pain my dying would cause my family and yet I’m more scared that I’ll end up living with pain for the rest of my life. Oh, but I have so far to go before I’m grown up.

Anyhoo… I’m scared. And I just can’t wait for the moment when I can tell the anesthesiologist that I’m freaking out and he can give me some Valium or something else wonderful that will make my brains into mush. Because then they’ll take me into the operating room and I’ll count down and when I wake up…

(No) Rest for the Weary

Life marches on no matter whether you are ready for it to or not. You lose a loved one or get injured and expect time to stop, but it doesn’t; it just keeps going and you have no choice but to go along. It doesn’t matter if you are exhausted, not sleeping, in pain or just plain depressed – time stops for no one. (Except God, but he’s only done that a few times.)

Generally speaking, this is a good thing – you have to get up and live every day. Of course, you can try to spend all day in bed or on the floor crying, but the next day or the day after, you have to get up to do something. Eat. Go pee. Shower. Shop. Feed your family.

I really just want to go into my bedroom, close the door and come out on next Thursday – ready for the trip with all the insurance squared away, the house clean, everything packed. But try as I might, when I open the door, it’s still today and I still have a mile-long list of to-do’s and no energy with which to check another thing off. And yet, the phone rings and the hospital adds another thing to my list. And the insurance adds another thing. And my homeschooling plans add more.

Why can’t crying make those things go away? Why can’t something – one thing – be easy?

I feel like I can’t make it past today, let alone for another week before we leave for Cincinnati. But the sun is setting soon, and I’ll try to sleep and in a while it will be tomorrow. And I’ll either accomplish something on my list or I won’t. Regardless, tomorrow will end and it will be Friday and then Saturday and before I know it, I’ll wake up and it will be time to head out.

Will I have my list completed? I don’t know. Probably not. The good news is, that it doesn’t really matter all that much. Most of my to-do’s are not critical. If I don’t finish them, the world will not end; time will not stop. Friday, and my surgery, will still get here in the same amount of time.

If you think of it, though, please pray that I’ll have the energy to call the insurance and ask who in the heck that is in-network can do this surgery. That I’ll manage the phone call without crying or screaming or begging. That I’ll know if it’s worth my time to keep trying to get the surgery covered in-network. And please pray that I can get the important things checked off my list – before next Thursday. Thanks, friends. 🙂