Happy Day Before All Saints’ Day

I’m always conflicted about what to do with holidays (or not-so-holy-days) because some Christians get all up in arms about celebrating a day steeped in evil traditions. They preach about how Halloween is the devil’s holiday, how people who worship satan revel in this day because people set aside their normal inhibitions and allow their kids to dress up as witches, vampires, and other scary things and falsely call it “cute.” They claim that anyone who participates in Halloween celebrations are compromising their faith. Not participating in Halloween is making a stand for their faith.

Yet other strong Christians view Halloween as a harmless day for kids to get dressed up and get candy. They see no reason to keep their children from having a good time with their friends at school parties or in neighborhood Trick or Treating. They say that obviously they don’t worship the devil and aren’t participating in any “evil” traditions. Halloween has changed from an evil day where devil-worshippers romp freely about to a day where kids get a chance to have a little fun dressing up as someone different – a chance to use their imaginations. It’s no big deal to dress up as something that “used to be evil” – there’s no such thing as witches anymore, they say. Besides, they add, rejecting Halloween and saying it’s evil is judgmental and a “turn off” to people who think Christians hate everyone who isn’t like them.

Then there are the Christians who offer “an alternative” – Trunk or Treat, where a bunch of people meet in a church parking lot to hand out candy in a “safe” environment. No gory costumes or evil decorations allowed. After all, it’s not fair to say that your kids can’t get to dress up at all! So rather than participate in normal Trick or Treating where their kids might be exposed to who knows what, they provide a fun place where everyone can enjoy themselves without “compromising their beliefs.” And, hey, everyone is invited, so they are even reaching out to “non-believers”!

The same thing happens with Christmas and Easter: Extremists say we shouldn’t even try to say these are “Christian” holidays – they both have pagan roots. Easter comes from Ishtar, a pagan godess who represented fertility. A quick Google search reveals some websites that claim Christians who celebrate Easter are not, in fact, celebrating the resurrection of Christ, but the tradition of idolizing the goddess of fertility – Easter eggs, ham, a giant bunny (reproducing like rabbits, I guess?), and even Lent and sunrise services are apparently connected to this occult holiday. Of course, at the opposite end are Christians who tell their kids the Easter Bunny is coming to bring them Easter Eggs so that we can rejoice in new life – symbolic of Jesus becoming the “first fruit” of the new resurrection and life. (Though I might argue that this would better be celebrated during the harvest?) Then there are those who say that they ignore the “pagan” parts and simply celebrate Jesus’ gift of his blood and life to cover and atone for our sins. And let’s not mention Santa, his reindeer or all the baggage people like to carry on about with Christmas. (You know that Christmas has nothing to do with the actual date of Jesus’ birth, don’t you?)

So what’s a person who loves Jesus and wants to show His love to the world supposed to do? Do I “take a stand” and reject everything that doesn’t come from Godly origins – to be an example of purity to the world? Or does that come across to the “world” as judgmental and intolerant? Isn’t that the image we want to avoid? Is there a middle ground? Is it possible to participate in any of it without compromising our beliefs?

For me it always comes down to the age old question (well, decades old question, anyway) – What would Jesus do?

Well, golly, I don’t know for sure. I don’t see Jesus dressing up as a vampire, but maybe as Superman? Would He hand out candy – or maybe spiritual tracts? What I do know is that He was not by any means intolerant of “bad people” in those days. He was far more critical of the religious people who judged everyone around them while ignoring the planks in their own eyes. (Matthew 7:3) And he called the religious people “whitewashed tombs” – clean on the outside, but full of rotting carcasses on the inside. (Matthew 23:27)

No matter what I do with my family, I don’t want to be a whitewashed tomb. Whatever I choose, I need to keep love at the forefront of my mind. Rather than saying, “Well, this is what we do,” and feeling like it must be the only way to do things – well, I think we ought to keep in mind that Jesus came to provide freedom for us – freedom from living under legalism and the law (the Old Testament Law, not that we can break our government’s laws). It’s good to have convictions and to live by them – but as Paul said, “Everything is permissible for us.” (1 Corinthians 10:23) Of course, he went on to say that “not everything is beneficial” for us. That means we have to use common sense and understanding as provided by the Holy Spirit – that there are things we have freedom to do, but that not all of them are wise. In other words, we are allowed to make choices based on prayer and what we feel God would approve of.  Christ died so that we could all make our own choices and live our lives in a way that is pleasing to Him – with only the desire to please Him and not anyone else. Our decisions shouldn’t be based on what anyone else thinks, but on the heart of God. Likewise, we shouldn’t worry about what others do or think – it’s not their opinions that matter.  It also means that we don’t have the right to impose our convictions on everyone else – we all have freedom! Rather than preaching my convictions about any particular holiday tradition to everyone else, I need to live out what I’m convinced God would be pleased with and simply love everyone else even if they don’t do the same things I do.

So rather than tell you what my family does for Halloween – dress up, Trick or Treat, Trunk or Treat, nothing – I’m just going to tell you that I love you, no matter what you decide do to: today, for Christmas, for Easter, with the Tooth Fairy, or anything else that people like to get all spiritually argumentative over.

Happy Day of Love, people. Because love is what it’s all about – this day and every other day.

Say it. Mean it. Follow through with it.

Today was one of the hardest days I’ve had as a mom. It’s always hard to follow through when you threaten your kids with a hard consequence. I always tell them that some horrid thing will happen to them if they don’t do what I’m asking. I always hope – stupidly believe – that the threat alone will be enough to spur them into action. Sometimes, when I’m lucky, it is enough – or they make enough of an effort – that I don’t need to follow all the way through; I can modify the consequence or even make it go away completely. Because I hate desperately when I have to make my kids sad.

So this was a relatively normal day – some parts hard and some parts good. Usually when Tom comes home, I’m able to let him help me deal with situations that came up during the day. I don’t have to be the “bad guy” alone. He’s great at sticking to his guns and keeping in mind that we are not here to be their friend; we’re here to  guide them and show them the way of Truth. We are here to teach them right from wrong and to help them learn it while they are young so that when they are old, they will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6) I have a lot of trouble thinking beyond their tears.

Today, Tom wasn’t here to make me follow through. So I thought hard every time I told them something would happen if they didn’t listen. I never told them I’d throw away all their toys if they didn’t clean up (because of course I would never throw them all away). I didn’t say I’d break their fingers or toss them out the window. All I said tonight was that they needed to get ready for bed really quickly so that we could tell stories before bed. The girls tend to dawdle a lot so I said that if they weren’t ready by a certain time, they couldn’t sleep in my room in their sleeping bags tonight. (It was a treat for them.) I thought to myself that I was prepared to make one of them sleep alone and I even said as much. But Sienna didn’t listen.

Oh my heart. She didn’t think I would do i, I guess. And I even gave her the chance to apologize and admit that she’d made a mistake – but she just smiled. That’s when I knew that this night was really gonna stink. Boy did it ever. I cried with her because I hated to make her sleep in her room all alone while Ethan and Kaylee got to be in our room. Kaylee cried too. In my heart, I hoped desperately that maybe she or Ethan would feel sad enough for her that they would decide to sleep with her. I wanted to tell them that if they loved their sister, that’s what they would do. And Sienna cried, “Mama, mama, why? I’m sorry, Mama.” Good grief.

I wanted so bad just to have mercy on her – I’ve done it so many times. I’ve told them how God has mercy on us and that I was helping them learn about His grace by not giving them what they deserved. But sometimes we have to suffer consequences to learn. And in my heart, I knew that this was one of those times. Sienna has this stubborn streak – she loves to test how much she can get away with because she knows her mama can’t stand it when Sienna is sad. She seems to actually calculate when I might not be willing to do what I’d said. I could see the manipulative look in her eyes tonight. So I had to follow through.

Several amazing things happened after that. First, Sienna became very brave and was a sweetheart – all she asked was that she could sleep with my stuffed bunny and into her bed she went. Then Kaylee and Ethan both went to my room and got comfy in their sleeping bags. I was disappointed and yet I couldn’t be shocked – or even angry, really. They are just little kids – naturally self-centered. Who would want to give up a fun treat like sleeping in their parents’ room to keep their sister from being lonely? But Kaylee kept repeating, “I’m not trying to be mean, Mommy.” So she knew there was a more noble choice.

I got it in my head that I would give whoever slept with Sienna (without being told or asked) would get a big prize tomorrow. And I hoped and hoped that one of the two would put themselves into Sienna’s place and realize how sad she must be alone. But they didn’t. So I told them what I’d planned and amazingly, they didn’t get upset. Then the next amazing thing happened: Kaylee said that even if she didn’t get a prize, she was going to sleep with Sienna. And up she got and into her own bed she went. Boy, was I ever proud. Ethan didn’t go – but like I said, he’s a kid.

I’m going to give Kaylee (and Sienna, for being so good and accepting her consequence) a prize tomorrow. Ethan’s going to be upset. I don’t know how I’ll handle it.

You guys are probably thinking I’m being overly dramatic – saying this has been such a hard day and all. But see, it really hit me today how they need to suffer in order to learn obedience. Discipline doesn’t come without pain. I remembered some awful things I suffered because I didn’t learn my lesson when I was young. And it made me realize how my soft heart, my inability to watch my kids hurt, would cause them so much more pain when they grew up and hadn’t learned discipline. Little things like not listening when your mommy says to brush your teeth – and then getting away with it – can lead to expecting to get away with all sorts of other things. And learning to put others first when you are young – well, hopefully that will lead to a habit of selflessness. It’s only one night, yes, but one night for me could lead to a habit of always letting them get away with everything, just because I don’t want to see them cry.

So yeah, it was a hard day all around. Tears from everyone. Frustration. But seeds were planted in their hearts and mine. Roots were watered and some dead branches were trimmed. And now I’m off to bed – with my buddy in his sleeping bag next to me and two little girls in their bunk beds down the hall.

Humble Pie – a Thanksgiving Recipe

Man, I have been flattened to a lump of humbleness quite often lately. Why is it so easy to complain and so hard to be thankful? Whining comes so much more naturally than being grateful for the amazing gifts I’ve received from God and it’s making me feel like a slimeball. Which inadvertently reminds me of a time I called someone’s mom a slimeball.

I was in first grade and me and John were best friends. Or so I thought. But then we got into a fight on the bus and he called my mom a bucket of snot. So I said his mom was a slimeball. Apparently, he told his mom that I had said this because she was a room-mom and I was one of her favorite students. But suddenly she was treating me differently; and I knew it was because of my insult. I was so angry with John – it was his fault that I’d called her a slimeball. Wasn’t it? I mean, I never would have dreamed of saying something like that if he hadn’t called my mom a bad name first.

Of course, in all my amazing 7 year old maturity, I knew I was wrong. It didn’t matter who had said what first; I shouldn’t have said something so mean about her no matter what. So I apologized. And it felt wonderful. Naturally, I mentioned how he’d called my mom a bucket of snot and she was very understanding of my anger. Probably, I shouldn’t have told her what he’d said – there’s no excuse for being mean. But that was a long time ago.

The feeling I have now is similar to my pre-apologetic 7 year old self; really lousy. Despite my awareness of God’s mercy and blessings, I continue to wallow in self-misery and what’s worse, I’m using the Internet to spread my depression. Facebook is this odd beast – I’ve mentioned this before. Years ago, I would have been forced to deal with my frustrations either over the phone, in person, or alone. Now, because of this crazy social beast, I can tell everyone I know (basically) my inmost thoughts on a daily basis. And my craving for acceptances forces me to want to post everything going on in my life. It’s like I’m crying out, “Hey, what I had for dinner last night was important because I’m important!”

Only instead of telling you I had hot dogs and s’mores for dinner last night, I’m telling you that, for the millionth time, I’m feeling hopeless. I guess it’s kind of like that strange way skinny girls ask for compliments by saying they are fat. I know the truth – I know that my life isn’t horrid and that healing takes time… But I want everyone to keep telling me so that I don’t have to do the work myself.

And now, I’m sitting here, feeling like a slob because I am not relying on God’s Spirit to give me the boost I need. And, I don’t need an emotional boost, I need a spiritual change of attitude. So, friends, I’m sorry. Maybe someday, I’ll get up the courage to leave Facebook forever – in the meantime, I’m going to try to post at least one positive thing for every negative thing I post. Because I don’t want to feel like a slimeball anymore. 🙂

Take time to stop and smell your toes-es.,

I’ve been open about my struggle to feel adequate compared to everyone else I have ever known. I’ve tried to avoid comparing myself to others because I know it gets me nowhere and besides, I’m comparing myself to others at their best rather than to their day-to-day reality. Not that I should compare myself to anyone at any time, but if I’m going to, I should at least try to be realistic about it.

But in this day age, there is so much pressure to be more than what I am. Or even more than what I’m capable of being. Don’t think I’m trying to limit myself and my potential – I’m not. What I mean is that it seems as though moms and women these days are expected to do so much.

There seems to be this unspoken understanding that your kids must be involved in at least one sport, music classes, church, chess club, play dates, cub scouts or girl scouts, school, karate, and anything else you can squeeze into the week. And somewhere in there, you are supposed to have time to play with them at the park, read to them, do crafts with them, and eat meals with them.

With all your free time (while your kids are in school, at practice, at piano lessons, or whatever), you are supposed to keep your house clean, organized, make meals using all organic and whole foods from scratch (or you’re poisoning your family) with recipes you’ve found on Pinterst, make a thousand crafts (from Pinterest), keep up with your friends on Facebook, send cards for every occasion (preferably homemade cards from the ideas you pinned on Pinterest),  exercise, go to PTA, help your kids do school and scout (and whatever other kind) fundraisers, read books, do devotions, blog, and volunteer somewhere in your other spare time.

Don’t forget regular dates with your husband, visits with parents, vacations, bills, homework – your kids’ homework and yours because, of course, you are going back to school, perhaps a part-time job so you can help pay the bills, gardening, planning and hosting holiday meals, birthdays, church functions, shopping for groceries and clothes and household items… and on and on and on.

And all of this must be accomplished with a smile.

I don’t know who is keeping track of all these things; what invisible hand will strike me down if I fail to accomplish all of it. All I know is that I (most of us, probably) fail miserably at pretty much all of it. My kids are in no sports – other than swimming lessons and a homeschool gym class I stumbled upon. This isn’t because I don’t think it’s important for my kids to learn physical activities and skills – it’s because I don’t know how on earth people fit sports for one child, let alone three, into an already bursting schedule. We don’t have our kids in music lessons yet, or scouts, or even any church classes outside of Sunday mornings. And I don’t scrapbook or decorate my house for fall (even though it’s my favorite season or make homemade costumes for my kids to wear for fall parties. I don’t wear clothes at the height of fashion, I never wear make up, and my hair takes me five minutes to do.

But guess what? I don’t care. I mean, I guess it bothers me when I think about how much my friends seem to accomplish compared to me; it makes me wonder what is wrong with me. A lot of people point out that I have this “condition” – Ehlers-Danlos – and that I can’t really do half as much as them anyway. And that’s true, but it’s just a convenient excuse for me to focus on what I think really matters. There are so many things going on in this post – so many points I want to make.

I want people to see how all this scheduling our lives away might lead to regret someday. There are no guarantees that any of us will wake up tomorrow morning. A family at our church recently lost their two year old son in a drowning accident. I keep thinking about what if it had been one of my kids? Would I be able to say that I had cherished every moment I’d had with them? Would I wish I’d posted more on Facebook and spent more time reading blogs? Would I be glad I’d spent that time snuggling with them even though I’d wanted to get a project finished? Would I be relieved that I’d caught the most recent episode of my favorite show rather than going on a walk with them?

My thoughts are so jumbled right now – in fact, I need to get away from the computer so I can play with my kids because they finished their schoolwork and are waiting for me. Part of me wants to go back and edit this – to make it sound perfect and look perfect – and I know I can just save a draft, but who’s to say they won’t need me the next time I want to sit down and work on it?

So I guess I’ll just say that for whatever reason, I have moments of clarity when I realize that even though I’m not a “soccer mom” or a “dance mom” or a “working mom” or whatever, I’m a good mom and a good wife because I don’t let other people’s expectations (or my interpretation of their expectations) get in the way of what really matters. Someday, I’ll be able to look back at this time of my life and be satisfied that my family was more important to me than the number of activities they could have been involved in. I suppose that the Ehlers-Danlos has forced me to slow down, but I don’t regret it one bit.